New Political Party Promises “No More Emails”

The party’s core proposal includes a government-backed “universal unsubscribe” function that would allow citizens to opt-out of all forms of political communication, junk mail, and “FYI” memos from their local DMV. “We’re building a future where no one will ever receive a surprise email from the IRS again,” Fields said, earning thunderous applause from a crowd of visibly overworked office workers, who showed up despite their unread emails glaring at them from their smartphones.

The Anti-Email Party’s slogan, “Unsubscribe from the Chaos,” has resonated with millions of Americans who, studies show, spend an average of four hours a day staring blankly at their inboxes. The party’s official platform outlines several key initiatives, including the abolition of reply-all functions in government offices, a complete ban on emails sent before 9 a.m. or after 5 p.m., and the creation of an “Auto-Delete Task Force” that will monitor and automatically remove any message containing the phrase “Just checking in.”

Public Reaction: “We’ve Waited Our Whole Lives for This”

Reaction to the party’s emergence has been overwhelmingly positive. “This is the future we’ve all been dreaming of,” said John Grayson, a 34-year-old IT specialist. “I haven’t checked my inbox in weeks because I’m terrified of what’s in there. If I could just delete everything and start over…that would be the greatest gift.”

The Anti-Email Party’s message has also struck a chord with small business owners, many of whom have found themselves drowning in promotional emails, government notices, and poorly worded “urgent” newsletters. “I didn’t start my business to read 500 emails a day,” said Lorraine Smith, owner of a local bakery. “I don’t even know how the Department of Agriculture got my email address. But if this party can stop them from sending me six reminders about my annual permit, I’m voting for them.”

Political Backlash: “But How Will We Communicate Our Outrage?”

Despite the outpouring of public support, not everyone is on board with the idea. Some politicians have expressed concern that banning emails could lead to a communication breakdown within the government. “How am I supposed to stay in touch with my constituents if I can’t send them a five-paragraph update on my latest committee hearing?” asked Congressman Peter Caldwell, who is known for his frequent email newsletters, most of which remain unread.

Others argue that the party’s radical stance on email could backfire. “This is nothing short of an assault on transparency,” said Senator Rebecca Hastings. “If we can’t flood the public with endless emails about the budget, how will people know what’s going on? Sure, no one reads them, but the option to read them is essential to democracy!”

Some lobbyists, particularly those representing Big Email (yes, that’s a thing), have also expressed concern that an email ban would devastate their industry. “Our entire business model depends on getting people to read at least the first three words of our emails before they give up,” said an anonymous spokesperson from the Association of Unsolicited Communications (AUC). “This is a slippery slope that could lead to the downfall of mass mailings, robocalls, and maybe even spam texts. We can’t afford that kind of future.”

A New Kind of Political Disruption

Despite the criticism, Fields and the Anti-Email Party are undeterred. “We’ve had decades of ‘communication’ that amounts to nothing more than noise,” Fields said at a recent press conference. “It’s time for a revolution—one where your inbox stays at zero, your mental space stays clear, and your life is no longer controlled by endless notifications.”

In addition to their anti-email stance, the party is also proposing a wide range of technological reforms, including banning the phrase “per my last email” from all public office correspondence and issuing fines to anyone who hits “reply all” unnecessarily. They are also seeking to phase out automated phone systems that ask you to press “1” for English, then trap you in an endless loop of options, forcing you to scream “operator” into your phone repeatedly.

For now, the Anti-Email Party remains focused on freeing citizens from the inbox chains that have bound them for so long. And judging by early polls, it seems they may be well on their way to success. As one enthusiastic supporter summed it up, “I’ve unsubscribed from so many email lists, but I’ve never felt truly free. If this party can finally get rid of all the garbage that fills my inbox, they’ve got my vote.”

As the 2024 election approaches, one thing is clear: America may just be ready to delete its way to a brighter future.