BREAKING NEWS: The New Ban Craze – Should People Who Say “Banned” Be… Banned?!

In a shocking turn of events, experts and concerned citizens alike are calling for a sweeping crackdown on the word “banned.” The reason? Apparently, simply uttering the word “banned” is just too disruptive for public discourse, with citizens, leaders, and social media activists demanding that those who speak it should be… well, banned.

“The B-Word—let’s call it that to be safe—is the gateway term to anarchy,” declared Dr. Felicity Nostrath, a scholar specializing in the psychology of prohibition. “People who say it are often just one step away from demanding that perfectly fine things like napkin holders, bicycle bells, and toasters be wiped from our society. We can’t allow that kind of chaos!”

A Brief History of Things That Have Been Banned

The concept of banning goes back further than most people realize. In 342 BCE, the ancient society of Florbindia (a place you probably haven’t heard of because it was so deeply, deeply banned) famously prohibited all discussion of pineapples. While pineapples were neither present in Florbindia nor, indeed, known to its people, this precautionary measure was taken to prevent the “scourge of forbidden fruit” from infiltrating their delicate minds. It worked so well, Florbindia achieved record levels of pineapple-free purity for generations until it was completely forgotten by history.

Then there was the infamous “Ban Ban of 1432,” a medieval European craze during which kingdoms across the continent raced to ban anything that could remotely be described as “banned.” This led to the outright banning of banjos, benches, and even banners. The peasants didn’t take kindly to this, which led to the Great Banned Ban Rebellion, where rebels roared slogans such as, “Unban the banned ban!”

Today’s War on the B-Word

Fast-forward to today, and it seems humanity may be returning to its roots. Dr. Manny Crumpleton, a sociologist and author of Why We Ban: A Study of Human Prohibition Obsession, told us that banning the word “banned” is the only way forward in an increasingly unstable world.

“The ripple effect of banning is underestimated,” said Dr. Crumpleton while adjusting his monocle with the gravity of a seasoned expert. “First, you ban plastic straws. Next, people start wondering if maybe plastic cups should go too. Before you know it, people are banning the discussion of banning itself. In fact, I think this might be a ban-demic!” Dr. Crumpleton added, evidently relishing his wordplay, even though puns themselves are on the chopping block in many circles.

Quotes from Those Affected by the Ban Craze

Not everyone is on board with this new crusade against the B-Word. “I mean, it’s absurd,” said one anonymous source, who insisted that his name be omitted in case he becomes the next target of the ban-hungry masses. “Just last week, I used the word ‘banned’ to refer to a banned book. Then—bam! They banned me! Where will it end?”

There’s also Cassandra Blot, author of the book Why We Should Ban the Word “Ban”. She is an outspoken critic of the anti-banning movement, despite having built her entire reputation around the very concept she now seeks to destroy. “I think we’ve gone too far,” she lamented in a recent interview. “When we’re banning words just because they remind us of other things we’ve banned, that’s not banning—it’s tyranny!”

The Future of the Anti-Banning Movement

As the outcry grows, pundits are predicting the rise of more extreme measures. Some suggest that banning will soon reach such ludicrous proportions that words themselves will start disappearing from dictionaries. “We could wake up one day and find that words like ‘no,’ ‘restriction,’ and ‘prohibit’ have vanished,” warned one concerned linguist, who requested anonymity due to the sensitive nature of her work.

So what’s next? Should we embrace a world where saying “banned” is itself a banned act? Should we live in fear of speaking the B-Word aloud, lest we face the wrath of the ever-watchful ban police? The debate continues, but one thing is certain: if you’re the type to throw around words like “banned” willy-nilly, you may want to think twice. Or better yet, go silent.