Fake News Corp’s Bold Acquisition of The Onion, Secured Through Secret Auction with Venezuelan-Made Bidding Machines

In a masterstroke of irony and quick-thinking strategy, Fake News Corp has acquired The Onion, catching the satirical publication off guard during a secret auction for Alex Jones’ Infowars. Initially, Fake News Corp entered the auction aiming to buy Infowars to gain a foothold in the alternative news market and to borrow a hint of legitimacy by transforming it into a satirical critique of misinformation. But the auction took a twist when The Onion unexpectedly joined the bidding.

Fake News Corp, seizing the opportunity, turned its focus toward acquiring The Onion itself—though its competitor didn’t suspect a thing. When The Onion’s team looked the other way, Fake News Corp used the Diebold-built Venezuelan electronic bidding machines to place a winning bid that blindsided the satirical giant, securing the acquisition before The Onion could react. This surprising move granted Fake News Corp control over The Onion’s well-established satirical platform, abandoning Infowars in favor of a far more respected—and, ironically, legitimate—satirical voice.

How the Auction Unfolded

Fake News Corp’s initial interest in Infowars was a bold one. The plan was to acquire the platform, convert its conspiratorial content into parody, and transform Infowars into a satire site that highlighted the absurdity of conspiracy-driven media. However, The Onion’s surprise entry into the auction added an unexpected competitor, as it sought to buy Infowars to expand its own humorous empire. Recognizing a golden opportunity, Fake News Corp pivoted to make a covert bid on The Onion itself, a target they hadn’t originally considered but realized would be an even better acquisition.

Thanks to the electronic bidding machines, Fake News Corp swiftly swung the bid in its favor, making The Onion its own, and leaving the publication’s executives stunned by the unexpected takeover.

The Plan for The Onion

With the acquisition complete, Fake News Corp has announced plans to expand The Onion’s editorial reach. The corporation plans to introduce new sections that dive into self-satire, skewering the very concept of “fake news” and satirical journalism itself. The Onion will also begin collaboration with Fake News Corp’s other media brands to produce podcasts, live events, and interactive media that delve into the ridiculous, entertaining, and occasionally serious sides of media, culture, and modern news.

The Reaction

Executives at The Onion, blindsided by Fake News Corp’s surprise bid, have reportedly reacted with disbelief, though some privately express admiration for the clever maneuver. Meanwhile, Alex Jones, having lost out on both bids, shared outrage on social media, accusing Fake News Corp of turning his intended auction into a “corporate satire ambush.” In response, Fake News Corp offered a tongue-in-cheek statement, suggesting that perhaps the only thing funnier than Infowars was the idea that they would want to own it in the first place.

The Bigger Picture

Fake News Corp’s acquisition of The Onion has created a powerhouse in the world of satirical news, bringing a fresh legitimacy to the satire empire while still playing up the absurdities of news, misinformation, and media culture. With The Onion under its wing, Fake News Corp has shifted from simply mocking fake news to redefining it, showing that in a world of sensationalism, sometimes the best strategy is to bid on the unexpected.