In a development that has health food advocates choking on their kale smoothies, scientists have officially reclassified chocolate as a vegetable, citing its botanical origins and what they call ‘convenient interpretations of basic biology.’
In a development that has health food advocates choking on their kale smoothies, scientists have officially reclassified chocolate as a vegetable, citing its botanical origins and what they call ‘convenient interpretations of basic biology.’
In what may be the most unexpected and controversial announcement of the year, a group of scientists has officially declared that chocolate can now be classified as a vegetable. The reasoning? Cocoa beans, the key ingredient in chocolate, come from the seeds of the Theobroma cacao tree, which is a plant—technically making chocolate a plant-based food, and therefore, a vegetable.
“This is a groundbreaking moment for chocolate lovers worldwide,” declared Dr. Sarah Sweet, head researcher at the International Institute of Convenient Food Classifications (IICFC). “For years, people have felt guilty about their chocolate consumption. Now they can proudly claim they’re meeting their daily vegetable intake requirements.”
The study, funded by a consortium of leading chocolate manufacturers, has been praised as “revolutionary” by the Chocolate Manufacturers Association and “absolutely ridiculous” by literally every nutritionist on Earth.
“By this logic, we should also classify wine as a fruit salad and cocaine as an herbal supplement,” noted Dr. Marcus Green, a leading nutritionist who hasn’t stopped rolling his eyes since the announcement. “Just because something comes from a plant doesn’t automatically make it a vegetable. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.”
Nevertheless, chocolate enthusiasts have embraced the news with unprecedented enthusiasm. Local supermarkets report that their chocolate aisles are now being raided by health-conscious shoppers proudly filling their carts with “vegetables.”
“I’ve replaced all the broccoli in my kids’ lunch boxes with Snickers bars,” said Karen Thompson, a mother of three. “They’re finally eating their vegetables without complaining. It’s a miracle!”
The IICFC has released detailed serving recommendations, suggesting that five king-size chocolate bars constitute one serving of vegetables. They also claim that different varieties of chocolate offer different nutritional benefits:
The medical community has responded with a collective facepalm, while gym trainers worldwide report a sudden increase in clients insisting that their post-workout protein shake be replaced with hot chocolate.
Meanwhile, vegetable farmers are considering a class-action lawsuit, claiming unfair competition from “Big Chocolate.” “How are we supposed to compete with something that actually tastes good?” asked one disgruntled carrot farmer.
The IICFC is already working on follow-up studies, including an investigation into whether french fries can be classified as a form of vitamin C and if pizza can count as all five food groups simultaneously.
When asked about the scientific rigor of their methodology, Dr. Sweet responded while unwrapping a chocolate bar, “The science is crystal clear. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go eat my vegetables.”
Disclaimer: This classification is pending review by actual scientists who haven’t been paid in chocolate bars.
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